Marie's Musings

Musings from the mundane day to day life of a mom of 9 to more serious ponderings of the day.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A more serious note: 20 yrs

I dont really like starting off so seriously but half the reason i decided to blog was to get some of these thoughts out of my head, so here goes.

Its been 20 years exactly this christmas that my mom has been gone, nearly twice the time I had with her alive. I never knew her as adult, or even as a teen. I long for her to have been there for me, as a teen, as a young married and now most certainly as a grandma.

I have been thinking bout her a lot lately as i struggle to parent my 12 yr old. I wonder what advice she would have given, whether our current struggles are normal and par for the course. I struggle now trying to remember what i longed for in a parent when i was 12.

I miss her, well to be more accurate i miss the thought of her. I have no idea what she would have been like as a mom to me now. Would she be proud of me, would she delight in her many grandkids, would she have been that confidant I've always seeked? I dont really know the answers to those questions. In all fairness, she may have been none of that. Its easy to glamorize someone who cant prove your fantasy wrong.

5 Comments:

  • At 10:10 AM, Blogger Andrew said…

    I didn't realize this was such a significant year. I love you, honey. I have a big hug waiting for you when I get home.

     
  • At 10:24 AM, Blogger L Ingersoll said…

    You are a wonderful mother from what I hear. And you have a life time to become a strong spiritual mother and daughter of Christ! As you give your life up to God and become closer with him. He will introduce new mothers that also struggle with being a parent and bring multitudes into your life. Pray for the adivse of others. My mothers mother died as well when she was a teen. Which was very hard to see in my mother a loss. But it brought us together more because of it.

    Take care and God Bless-

    Your sister in Christ
    Lisa

     
  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger b halloran said…

    I have never done this (blogging) before but wanted to tell you what a heart touching life story this is to me. I can't help but be moved by what you wrote and I thank you for sharing your heart.
    God is the restorer and the healer of our hearts and lives, Amen!
    Just recently and more than ever, I have realized that we never know how much time we'll have with those we love. I am grateful that because of God's amazing love for us, He has given us hope (in a world where there is none) and a future to look forward to, Amen, again!! Without that, I don't even want to imagine what life would be like. God bless you, abundantly in all that you do! I am thinking of you and praying for your heart to be encouraged this day and every day!

     
  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger Angi said…

    MJ,
    I'm so sorry you are having to dealw ith all this at the same time. YOu'll figure out what to do with K. You have God on your side, he's right there with you, holding your hand, or holding you in His hand.

    I'm glad you started blogging, welcome to the world of letting it all spew! lol.

     
  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger Erin said…

    Good points. My mom's only been gone for 13 years so I still have awhile to go before reaching the twenty year mark. However I really understand what you mean about idealizing the situation. My mother's relatives are always saying that she would be so proud of me and how they know we would be best friends and such. But who really knows?

     

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