Marie's Musings

Musings from the mundane day to day life of a mom of 9 to more serious ponderings of the day.

Friday, June 29, 2007

What if's

Sometimes its really hard not to play the what if game. You know the drill, what if this happened or what if that happened, the how would I cope with that game. On the opposite side is the whole ostrich burying the head in the sand deal. I cant quite embrace that approach either.

I tend to like the google route, googling search terms related to whatever quandry or medical issue I find myself dealing with. Sometimes knowledge is power, othertimes its just a distraction.

I saw the rhemotologist today and found myself surprised that I actually like her. My last experience with a rhemotolgist specialist was a disaster. He completely dismissed almost everything i said and I felt like I didnt get any answers or questions dealt with. FAst forward to today, 3 yrs later and we are still dealing with the same issues. BUt now I have time, pattern history and test results on my side. I have had 3 positive fana/ana tests and the last one(the only 1 i have the number for) was quite high. Normal is under 1, postive is between 1-3, 3 is strong positive and mine is 9.8. So well that means somthing is going on.

I was greatly relieved to actually be listened to, this new doc today took me very seriously. She didnt dismiss me out of hand , as i expected her to, just because my flare up had abated by the time I got to her. She even noted things that I didnt even notice myself. So i feel like im good hands.

She is looking at possible lupus or maybe sjogrens syndrome, neither of which do I have enough of the symptoms to fully diagnose yet. She took like 8 vials of blood for like 10-15 different tests. I go back in two weeks to discuss those results. She stated that if they come back normal, we wait and watch, if some come back abnormal, we may still decide to wait and watch due to my darling little Gideon nursing. She did say though if they come back "nasty"(her word) then I may need to stop nursing and go on a pretty strong medication. This med takes 4 months before it becomes effective. Doesnt seem very pleasant. Right now the flare up has eased, so im not having any pain issues, so IM thankful for that as well.

The though of having lupus doesnt really bother me. I think part of that is that I came to terms with that possiblity 3 yrs ago , when my original doc brought up the possiblity. I never fully let go of the idea that lupus may be brewing under the surface in my body. Or some other autoimmune disorder. My doc had said at that time, that she was pretty sure I had some autoimmune disorder brewing, when and how it manifested itself was yet to be seen. Although I must say when the doc today mentioned it can affect the brain, that startled me a bit, as I didnt know that fact. So with Gods grace if i get diagnosed with lupus, I feel like i can handle that.

The part that has me a bit more shaken up, is the possiblity that I may have to stop nursing. I know, the what if game isnt helpful. But I think I need to mentally prepare myself for the next steps. While Im pretty positive, that the labs wont show organ involvment, I cant know that for sure. I know that not nursing Gideon wont be the end of the world and if I have to do absolutely for my health, I will. But its hard to even contemplate it. I have nursed my first 8 babies , none of them had formula and Im somewhat proud of that fact, that I managed to do that. And I really want the same for Gideon.

I dont really know what lies ahead for me. I do know this though, God is with me every step of the way. He is still on the throne no matter what goes on down here. So i rest in that, that he doesnt change yesterday, today or tommorrow.

God is good ... all the time!


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