Marie's Musings

Musings from the mundane day to day life of a mom of 9 to more serious ponderings of the day.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

It just makes me angry

Ill catch up on the weekends events in another post but for now I want to talk about an article I read.

I just read an article on the incease of suicides amoung young preteen and teen females. After declinging for decades, there is an 8% increase in the number of them. One of the things cited in the article was that the use of antidepressants among young people has decreased dramatically. Mostly due to the recent studies of antidepressants increasing the suicide risk. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture?

I think antidepressants save more lives than harm them. Just like seat belts save lives a majority of the time, occasionally it will be the source of a fatality. But just because in one accident, it would have killed you, doesnt mean you shouldnt wear on for the other 99 times an accident happens. I think, now this is just my opionion,that the suicide rates associated with antidepressant use are tied to not having the right dose, the right drug, or not having enough time for it to kick in properly. There are no miracle happy pills. Not all the time will an antidepressant work to prevent a suicide. Given the recent increase, it just emphasizes this to me.

This is a sensitive topic for me, as my mother committed suicide. She died in 1985, when mental illness was still a taboo topic. Its still not completely out in the open today. Would my mom have been able to get the help she so despartely needed today? I dont know.

Some of my family, still dont fully believe it was suicide. Only now, 22 yrs later, are some of the details coming out. Murder is a whole lot different than suicide. And how I want to believe what other family are saying. It would mean we would have someone to blame other than my mother, it would mean that I wasnt abandoned after all, it would mean a world of difference. Im not sure though, details are sketchy and things dont add up right. I just want to be cautious in not allowing what I want it to be, to color my vision of what is.

I cant change anything, nothing will bring my mother back to me at this point. I am who I am today because of what happened yesterday and the day before. It has changed me and God allowed it to be used for good. Its part of me just like all of my history, so I have to own it, but it doesnt own me. I can relate to someone else who lost their mother at a young age, or someone else dealing with being left behind after a suicide. Thats what I choose to remember, that God can take anything and use it for his purpose.

I still miss her.

God is good ... all the time.



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