Marie's Musings

Musings from the mundane day to day life of a mom of 9 to more serious ponderings of the day.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Need a distraction

I have a lot on my mind today:various concerns, issues, kids, and things I need to do or havent done or should be doing. So in an attempt to distract my wandering brain, comment and tell me a funny story.



Come on, you know you have them... :)



MJ

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

update on the appt

Whew ... I feel like i need major decompressions after that. We have a multifaceted plan beginning to take shape. Much to my husbands dismay, we really dont know anything new or concrete yet.
Gideon is behind developmentally(already knew that), hes presenting at about a 3 month leval. So roughly 2.5 months behind. That in itself doesnt tell us much.

He has mixed muscle tone, some of where it was low before isnt anymore, so thats good too. So the doctor wants us to start doing therapy with the school systems birth thru 3 program, as well as start physical therapy with a pediatric therapist. She had noticed that although his hands arent in fists so much anymore, he still keeps his thumbs curled in.

On top of all that, she is ordering a brain MRI(which he will have to be sedated for), as well as upping cereal to twice a day(with breastmilk or formula), trying to see how he eats breastmilk from a bottle. She wants to see if he eats it more vigurously or if its the same , suck well for 5 min then minimum interest in eating the rest.

At the same time they do the brain mri, they will also draw bloodwork, to check his thyroid, also going to do another chromosome test. The one he had as a newborn only catches big stuff, so now that hes older they can check for more things. In addition to that, she ordered a swallow study to make sure he doesnt have any issues there and recommended the primary doc put him on reflux meds, to see if that will help.

Lots of stuff to process thru, nothing is scheduled yet and all we really seem to have are more questions now.

Thanks for praying
MJ

A little humor goes a long ways

I was mapquesting the directions to Gideons appt this morning when I noticed some extra features on the sidebar you could check off. I glanced at it and saw that one of the boxes you could check was to avoid "trolls". I thought to myself, thats definitely something I would want to do, you know, avoid trolls.



Turns out when I looked again and actually read it, you really can only avoid tolls. Shucks ... I really was looking forward to taking the route that avoided the trolls.



God is good ... all the time

MJ

Monday, September 24, 2007

Playing Catcher

A friend used an analogy today, that she felt like things were being thrown at her all day long. I can totally relate to that analogy;I feel like Im playing catcher and Im dropping more balls than caught.

Im dropping things like making out Elijahs B-day party invites, calling and making arrangments on medical copays, organizing and cleaning house and the list goes on and on. I do catch a ball here or there, and manage to make it to a cross country meet, or read a book to the 1st grader or whatever else.

Not sure what I can do to help that, but I know Im not at my best right now.

MJ

Gideon

His appt with the developmental specialist is tommorrow morning, from 9 -11 am. Yes, a 2 hr appt. Thankfully, a friend agreed to babysit the other two toddlers, so I dont have to contend with several kids at the appt.

I sort of feel at a loss at what to do with this child. Everything that Ive done with all the other kids, either doesnt work or has minimal results. Ive nursed all my babies on demand, whenever they wanted to eat and they all grew healthy and strong. Zechariah in fact was a chunky little baby, even though now hes one of the skinniest. Im feeding Gideon all the time it seems, he eats such a short time,that hes hungry much sooner. Yet hes not only not gaining, hes losing weight. His poor little body is skeletal and cannot afford to even loose a few ounces.

I am working on giving him cereal once a day. He takes it okay, not great, gags a little but will eat 4 or 5 bites at least.

I worry and pray and worry some more over this kid. Its really hard not to worry and the anxiety at times over him is just plain overwhelming. Hopefully tommorrow we will begin figuring out how to help him develop as he needs to.


God is good ... all the time!
MJ

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Give away

Another blogger friend alerted me to this giveaway from five minutes for mom. Hop on over and sign up for a chance to win a dyson.


http://www.5minutesformom.com/2334/dyson-pink/trackback/

MJ

Friday, September 21, 2007

Phone fun -- NOT~

This is the 2nd or 3rd time this week, that our phones have been funky. The first time, it had no dial tone and was just dead air, yet I still was able to access my dsl line and get online. I reset jacks, finally took one phone out of the rotation and the other worked. I reset that phone and it worked. Today same sort of issue, this time though it says line in use, when no phones are off the hoook. I have tried switching filters around, taking 1 or both phones out of rotation, resetting jacks, no luck thus far.

Again the dsl and internet work jsut fine, which leads me to think the problem is here with our line. Send off an email to phone company to see if they can help me troubleshoot it.

MJ

Thursday, September 20, 2007

how quickly

Its amazing how quickly things change. I went from being in a stellar mood to feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. The amount of things that need to be dealt with, the basic needs of the kids, the laundry and dishes;it all felt insurmountable.

I forced myself to start folding laundry, calling a friend to chat while doing so , seemed to help a little.

All 3 kids are asleep now, THANK GOD! So im debating the merits of folding some laundry in relative peace or taking a shower or gasp... even a nap!

MJ

thursday thoughts

In a pretty good mood this morning, perhaps getting to bed at a decent hour has somethign to do with that. Although sleep was a bit restless the 2nd half of the night and I think Gideon was up at least twice.

Speaking of Gideon, he now is raising his head at almost a 90 degree angle when on his stomach. I cant believe how excited I am over this new feat. Its such a little thing. He has struggled long and hard to get here, and I celebrate each accomplishment with gusto. Probably more so because it took him more effort to get there. He is such a sweet little guy and his smile warms my heart!

Zemirah has been working on potty training. She actually does fairly well, its not at the point of her telling me she has to go, but she pretty much stays dry. The poop part is taking a bit more, but there is some sucesses on that front too! She pretty much has most of her siblings wrapped round her little finger. The older ones tend to dote on her, she generally has a really sweet spirit and lives up to her name, meaning song of joy. Underneath that though is a feistiness. She can take Ezekiel down like its nothing. Definitely is a talker though, at age 2, she is speaking in short sentences most of hte time.

Its definitely not quiet here during hte day with just 3 home. Ezekiel and Zemirah seem to fight a lot more than they did this summer with the crew all home. Gideon doesnt really add a lot to the din but sometimes its really loud. Ezekiel has a very active imagination, if he isnt dodging hot lava on the floor, he's rescueing superman. Somtimes Zemirah is playing right along, other times well shes just disrupting his play.

Today Im attacking the laundry monster. Lately it has fought back with a vengence and although I generally get some folded and washed every day, the piles doesnt seem to decrease. For every basket I fold, it seems two more clean ones take its place and the dirty multiplies by a rate of 9 .

Josiah raced on Tuesday night. Im extremely proud of him! He did really well. He raced at crown college(the college his father teaches at parttime). He was able to practice on the course last saturday, so he knew the route. And im pretty sure, having us there to watch him, pumped him up a bit too! Josiah proclaimed to me, he was pretty sure he was making the top 5(top 5 medaled). I thought well thats a bit ambitious, but kept that to myself and encouraged his confidence. He placed 6th!!!! He was one place and only like 2 feet away from medaling. He was really really excited. He did just under a mile, with a hill in 5:15! He was also the first of the junior high lakers to come in that day.

Well thats enough ramblings for the day, God is good ... all the time!
MJ

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Words

Questions I've been asked lately: Does superman have a penis? Or alternatively, does Beetle the penquin have a penis? Do spiders poop?

Words of admonishment Ive taken to heart: Only step on the bathroom rugs otherwise you will fall in the hot lava.

Things I should have known: what color lava is... Did you know it was made up of all the colors?

Something I learned today: The kitchen floor is also full of hot lava.

MJ

Monday, September 17, 2007

Candy corn

I've always like candy corn and its usually more prevelent this time of the year and even on sale. Im not nearly as fond of the ones with brown bottoms or the pumpkin shaped pieces. But i do love the regular candy corn. I always eat them upside down. First, the yellow layer... why you might ask, well cause thats my least favorite part. Then the orange part and finally my favorite part is the little teeny white tip. And yes they do taste different.

Hmm bet you didnt ponder that today.

MJ

Just what I was looking for

I have been on the hunt for a job that I could do without really disrupting the family or having to pay much childcare. Pretty tall order to fill, you might say. God provided in a mighty way.

I contacted a woman in our church who runs a rehab center, inquiring if she had anything I could do off hours. I told her, there would be no hard feelings if she didnt have anything. I figured really, there isnt any harm in asking;the worst she could say was no. She indicated a few weeks ago, that she had somthing in mind but between our two schedules we just coordinated last night.

This job will be perfect. I can make my own hours, when I want and as little or as much as I want. The bonus to me was that she will be paying me 3-5 more dollars than I expected, woohoo! Its pretty simple stuff, basic filing papers in clients charts. It seems like it will benefit us both. For my friend, it will help her get something done that has been piling up. For me, adding some much needed funds in our budget and the added bonus of some time away from the kids doing adult things.

Im going in tonite to work for the first time. Im sure it will take a little getting used to remembering where each specific form goes, but once I get the hang of it, ill be flying thru it.

Praising God from whom all blessings flow

MJ

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Sleeping in

Sleeping in, isnt what it used to be at all. I did get to sleep til 845 am this morning, a virtual miracle but the kids were very antsy when I got up. They were hungry, boisterous and a bit on edge. I think the stargate marathon last night, which put the oldest 6 in bed at midnight was a tad much.

I digress. Anyway, back to the sleeping in. Its almost, notice I say almost, better to get up a little early ahead of the majority of the kids to get that waking up time. I dont do so well when I have demands put upon me immediately after I wake up. I need to start the coffee,"wake up" , use the bathroom, and generally just get my head together. I knew they were all hungry, so I tried to cut them slack too this morning.

Add to the fun of the morning was that the TV attenna seemed to be getting a decent signal today, thus ensueing many fights over saturday morning cartoons. Lately the boys havent watched much, so Katarina has had some free reign over programming. She was feeling a bit entitled this morning, to her normal lineup of watching. Her bubble was soon deflated and she didnt like it one bit. My request to let the boys watch their half hour of superheroes means she misses out of 1 of 2 episodes of Thats so Raven. Apparently she "needs" to watch both! Reality bites when you are 13, I guess!.

All of this is starting to make me glad we dont have access to regular tv all the time. The channels that do come in, are rather fuzzy and cant get many of them. The downstairs tv isnt even hooked up to the attenna so its really only used for movie watching. Thus the only option for TV, is the little one in our room. I dont think Ive watched regular tv in months. Its not as convienent having it in our room and I prefer the living room for hanging out.

Andrew is teaching this morning. Josiah went with him, to practice running on the cross country course. Josiah will have a meet there at the college , this upcoming Tuesday, so he wanted to practice. He sure picked a cold day to run! More good news on the college front, we found out he will teach another section of Intro to computers this coming january. It wont be a full check, since those are just 1 credit courses but every little bit helps. God is indeed good ... all the time!

MJ

Friday, September 14, 2007

Life as i know it

You would think the kids would learn, that after consquences 3 days in a row, not to do the said offense. Nope, in my room of all places, watching television before chores are done. It sounds innocent enough but this has been drilled into them time and time again, before any free time activities, chores must be done. It flies in the face of everything they have been taught.

Maybe Im just a little feisty this morning!

I did get Gideon into the doctor yesterday afternoon. It is indeed a hernia but she indicated that she would like him to get bigger and stronger before having to undergo surgery. So we watch for the warning signs, and if those occur take him right into ER, otherwise just wait for now. The doctor also addressed his weight, she agreed with me that the nurse was way off in the calculations of percentile(the last one told me 75%), its really around 35%. So the plan is right now to wake him up(ugh) around when i go to bed, since he goes to bed 2 hrs earlier and nurse him one more time. She also said I could try adding cereal after the last feeding to see if that would help him bulk up, but said he really doesnt "need" it.

We go back for a weight check in two weeks, developmental specialist appt (sept 25) and then his 6 month checkup (oct 9).

Andrew also got his first jury duty notice. Hes supposed to report on sept 25 but it says to call in to verify before arriving. The timeframe is like an hour before he is due to report. Well thats complicates things, since he works an hour away. He doesnt want to take the day off if he doesnt have to report. Gotta love that.

Wednesday, I took out a package of chix from the freezer, leaving only 1 left. I prayed that God would somehow miraculously increase the amount of chix left. Knowing he could really do it(think 5 fishes and loaves) but partly thinking that God doesnt generally work that way. Well yesterday the chix multiplied. Seriously! Not in that I know have more packages of chix in the freezer overnight but yesterday some of our church family came by with groceries. In that , was 3 packages fo chicken! Talk bout answered prayer. They also brought us some much appreciated cereal and milk and a few other goodies. God is soo ... good !~

MJ

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Ostrichs

It really is starting to feel like an ostrich day today. I really wish I was one, I need to put my head in the sand for awhile.

I discovered what looks to be a good sized hernia(in addition to his umblical one) on Gideon. I have the doctor squeezing him in at 240 today. It all just makes me want to cry. I know generally hernias arent that big of a deal but on top of all the other medical concerns with have with him, it feels like a 10 tons added on.

While I'm nowhere near as righteous as Job was, I wonder if he felt the same way. As God allowed the continual testing of his faith, I wonder if he just felt heavier and heavier weights upon his shoulder. Or did he just let Jesus carry the weight, I don't really know. I will admit to thinking , um didnt Job have to be righteous first before God allowed the testing??

I realize in the course of today's discovery, it really doesn't compare to losing your home, your livelihood, your child and having painful sores upon your body. This though is what I'm dealing with now, and I know that its only with Gods help, that I'M not at the breaking point already.

A friend commented today, that having 9 kids earns me a PHD in parenting(too bad they really don't give degrees for that lol). I thought well yeah, but Gideon is a whole dissertation himself. And boy does it feel hard. Part of me thinks, I didn't sign up for this course of study. Remember, I signed up for basket weaving 009 instead i got advanced trigonometry's and calculus 009.

Im going to choose to remember though, that God is in control, he isnt shaken, he isnt knocked off his throne and that no matter what goes on down here that causes me to put my head in teh sand, HE STILL REIGNS!!!

God is good ... all the time!

Fun with flares

This week I have been dealing with a flareup from my lupus. Previous to this week, Id have occasional joint pain, 2 ibuprofen and Im on my way and it really was more isolated iccidents. This week, I have a constant ache in my wrist joints, enough that only 4 ibuprofen take it away. Thankfully its not acute pain but the constant ache makes me want to massage my wrists constantly.

Taking so much ibuprofen cant be good for me. Google tells me it can lead to kidney damage, hmmm lupus already puts me at risk for that fun effect, soo I really dont need to help that along. So I limit myself to only taking a total of 8 for the day but still I wonder if there isnt a better solution.

I'm going on day 5 of the constant pain, so I would supppose that is considered a flareup. The last times I had a disntict flareups, I finally had to resort to predizone to clear them up. So i will be putting in a call to my regular doc and my rhemologist to see what options they recommend.

While I can function thru the pain, since it isnt acute, it does absolutley nothing for my stellar mood. I find myself snapping at the kids, my temper being much more short and extremely tired. You know when you wake up with the first thought of when can i nap today;you arent in great shape!

Its been an adjustment me having the big kids back in school. The preschooler and toddler fight so much more, and drain my energy much more than they did this summer. I suppose its the syndrome of having more people to distract them this summer rather than just the two of them now. And its hard not really getting any downtime til after 8 pm, since Ezekiel doesnt nap, I am still relegated to his constant stream of imaginative talk and play. Gideon and Zemirah dont always nap at the same time as well. But this too shall pass!

Gotta run, Gideon is calling!
God is good ... all the time
MJ

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Happy Birthday Elijah!

I cant believe hes 8~! I think I left him somewhere around age 6. He is the youngest of the 4 boys in a row, he has several siblings after him as well but has the distinction of being number 5 in the sibling birth order. So with him being the youngest of the 4 oldest boys, it makes him seem younger than he is. He quite often indentified with the younger set of siblings, thus catergorizing him with the littles, quite often made me forget he really is 8 today.

He has a sweet and senitive spirit. He will willingly share his toys, his things with his siblings, even with the brother who is often mean to him. With this propensity to give, I declared his brand new present(heroscape marvel set) all his, that he didnt have to share any of it.

Elijah loves superheros, he quite often can be found wearing a cape and a superhero belt. He loves to imagine and play with swords, guns, or any other made up weaopon. Lately he has taken to making a homemade bow and arrow out of sticks. Somtimes his propensity to have the superhero world exactly right causes him to collide with Ezekiels imagination. Of course Ezekiel wants to be whatever Elijah is, superman, spiderman, etc and Elijah doesnt think there should be 2 supermans!

He geniunely loves his younger siblings and will willingly hold Gideon or dress Zemirah. In fact last night, he not only changed zemirah's diaper but got her dressed in jammies too! I was impressed.

Elijah was the biggest birth weight of all 9. He weighed 9 lbs 4 oz. He is fast catching up to his older brothers and may outgrow them in height yet! He often gets confused with Zechariah, his next older sibling. They both have blond spiky hair and are the closest in height.

Happy Birthday Elijah!!

God is good ... all the time

MJ

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Update

Gideon weighed 14 lbs 12 oz, so only 4 oz down from his last visit, and a little more than the last weight at the specilaist office 2 weeks ago. So while hes not gaining, he really not losing much, as I had feared, so thats good at least.

My wrists hurt significantly today, added to not getting enough sleep and its a recipe for not accomplishing much of anything., Good thing I got a head start on the day and got a few things accomplished before the exhaustion and joint pain set in

God is good ... all the time

MJ

Random musings

Im taking Gideon in this morning for another weight check. Im really concerned with how skinny he is, there is zero fat anywhere on his body and all of his bones can be felt. If he hasnt lost any weight, that will be a good thing but Im somehow doubting that.

With this concern comes the thought process of what we will have to do to get him to gain weight. I really dont want to supplement with formula. I know I grew up on it and turned out fairly okay but its a personal preference for me. I havent given any of the kids formula yet and Id like to keep it that way. That being said, if that is what I have to do to keep him healthy and growing, I'll do it. and this isnt a diatribe against anyone who chooses formula, I think the mommy wars that people do over this kind of thing are ridiculous. There is room for different choices in this matter. But for me, its important to me to nurse them.

Today, Im ezekiel's best friend. Anytime I do somthing he likes, I instantly become his best friend. Of course I lose that status fairly quickly when hes made to obey or do chores. The event that prompted such a declaration was annoucing he could go to the docs office with me this morning to weigh Gideon. Didnt really tell him that he didnt have a choice lol, all the big kids are in school.

Zemirah decided also this morning to display her full fledged stubborness. She was coloring this morning and threw her paper on the floor. So in the spirit of training the child to not drop things where they lay, I told her to pick it up. The looks and fierceness of her determination were kinda scary. Not even some correction was budging miss stubborn. It took a removal from the sitution, aka being put in the crib without her sucky, to change her mind. Even then it took another minute or two before she finally picked it up. All this mutiny over a stinking piece of paper!

Ezekiel is pretty good about playing by himself, he has a great imagation. Much to his chagrin, his sister often gets in his way. Sometimes they play well together, she is his complete mimic but other times she frustrates his greatly by taking whatever he was playing with.

Well thats all for now folks, God is indeed good ... all the time!

MJ

Monday, September 10, 2007

Summer is officially over

Today was the first day of school. Normally it starts right after labor day but due to construction on all the schools in the district, it started a week later.

Today is probably the only day I didnt have to wake any of them up. In fact Katarina and Josiah beat andrew and I up since we overslept our alarm. The middle school kids bus was late but other than that, they all left without a hitch. Ariana repeatly asked is it time to go yet, can i go now? She was a bit excited. The other night, at open house, she went up to several people in the hallways cheerfully annoucing "Im a first grader!"

Nathaniel even dressed up for today. Apparently there is a family tradition that I dont know anything about. He claims we dress up for the first day. I guess quite often Josiah would dress up since he likes dress clothes, so the younger ones are just following suit. This actually is the first year Josiah didnt. It was sorta sad, as I know how much he likes dress clothes. But he said hed be laughed out of school if he did. Although hes likely right, its still rather sad.

We packed up backpacks yesterday, laid out outfits, found socks and shoes and everyone was raring to go.

Its unusually quiet here in the house. Zemirah and Ezekiel are coloring here with me in the living room. Gideon is down for a nap already this morning and the day yet stretches before me. I told the littles that we'd have a party, so maybe we make a cake lol! It will be a bit of an adjustment after having siblings doting upon them all summer long.

Im not sure all what we will do with our day, but I am looking forward to a more low key day. No running Josiah off to Cross country practice, no errands to run. Just the babysitting boy coming for a half hour today, so not bad. I was looking forward to today but it does feel a bit odd yet. Guess I will be more in prayer today for the school kids that are away.

God is good ... all the time
MJ

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Company times 2

We had our good friends here last weekend. They arrived late thursday evening and stayed until late Tuesday evening. It was a very intense filled weekend. The men and occasionally some of the kids primarily worked on Katarina's new room while the women primarily held childcare duty, food detail and worked on going thru winter clothes.

The nice thing is I managed to purge over 10 boxes of clothes for a rummage sale, that I want to hold later this month. And I have put winter clothes in all 9 kids dressers!!! That is a huge accomplishment. Never before have I been this on top of the seasonal switch, granted, I still have summer clothes in circulation, as we still have warm days ahead. But it felt great to be able to get that task done with Michelle's help.

The kids got along great with no major fighting. That also was a major feat considering we had 4 extra kids in the house for five days. The big boys were also very creative;planning a movie to film, books to write, imaginary worlds to play in, etc. That was fun to see. The toddlers and preschoolers were happy to escape out into the sandbox or swing on the horsey swing. I enjoyed spending time with my friends and catching up on their lives as well.

The room project was a huge success! The room is completely transformed. It went from half unfinished walls, sagging ceiling, cinderblock walls and cement floor to a finished room painted in seaside blue(K's choice) with a laminete floor and a closet complete with shelves and a door. It looks great. K is beyond herself and cant wait to move in. She was frustrated that she couldnt move in immediatley thanks to paint fumes(no window in that room). There still are a few things yet to get done, things were a bit rushed at the end. Just little things though like painting the last inch between the ceiling and wall, putting up the closet rod and the light fixture. Katarina though is sooo excited to be able to finally have her own room at last. She is planning a tropical theme in there.

We also had some other company today. Friends from our old church in the cities. They had moved up to fergus falls around the same time we moved out here. I believe they moved a couple of months earlier. Previous to the move though, we had been building a relationship with them and the kids began calling them Grandpa and Grandma Al and Sue. They filled a gap in our kids lives that family hasnt been able to do. So we were so happy to see them today. They had not yet seen our new house, our newest arrival and all of the kids for over a year. So Zemirah was just a baby. Ariana didnt leave Grandpa Al's side most of the day, she is particulary attached to him. He wrestled with them, walked the luce line trail with Nathaniel and Elijah. Grandma helped peel and cut apples for applesauce, played scrabble with Katarina, Josiah and Zechariah. They also surprised us with a nice treat and took us out to supper at subway. It was a wonderful visit, catching up on things in each others lives. They seem to be enjoying their new town and being closer to their actual grandkids.


Praising God for all these people that God has put into our lives as our friends. May God richely bless them.

MJ

Thursday, September 06, 2007

It just makes me angry

Ill catch up on the weekends events in another post but for now I want to talk about an article I read.

I just read an article on the incease of suicides amoung young preteen and teen females. After declinging for decades, there is an 8% increase in the number of them. One of the things cited in the article was that the use of antidepressants among young people has decreased dramatically. Mostly due to the recent studies of antidepressants increasing the suicide risk. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture?

I think antidepressants save more lives than harm them. Just like seat belts save lives a majority of the time, occasionally it will be the source of a fatality. But just because in one accident, it would have killed you, doesnt mean you shouldnt wear on for the other 99 times an accident happens. I think, now this is just my opionion,that the suicide rates associated with antidepressant use are tied to not having the right dose, the right drug, or not having enough time for it to kick in properly. There are no miracle happy pills. Not all the time will an antidepressant work to prevent a suicide. Given the recent increase, it just emphasizes this to me.

This is a sensitive topic for me, as my mother committed suicide. She died in 1985, when mental illness was still a taboo topic. Its still not completely out in the open today. Would my mom have been able to get the help she so despartely needed today? I dont know.

Some of my family, still dont fully believe it was suicide. Only now, 22 yrs later, are some of the details coming out. Murder is a whole lot different than suicide. And how I want to believe what other family are saying. It would mean we would have someone to blame other than my mother, it would mean that I wasnt abandoned after all, it would mean a world of difference. Im not sure though, details are sketchy and things dont add up right. I just want to be cautious in not allowing what I want it to be, to color my vision of what is.

I cant change anything, nothing will bring my mother back to me at this point. I am who I am today because of what happened yesterday and the day before. It has changed me and God allowed it to be used for good. Its part of me just like all of my history, so I have to own it, but it doesnt own me. I can relate to someone else who lost their mother at a young age, or someone else dealing with being left behind after a suicide. Thats what I choose to remember, that God can take anything and use it for his purpose.

I still miss her.

God is good ... all the time.

MJ